I actually wrote this a few weeks ago and left it. I then found it whilst on holiday which is certainly not a period of darkness! But rereading it reminded me of where all this came from and also how difficult it can be. So will share it. Something that many people with (and without) chronic illness need to deal with.
This one is difficult to write. It is actually sometimes easier to put a brave face on things and say what feels acceptable. But to pretend the darkness is not there is just impossible. Add to that I just read something which made me think. Perhaps I am just not as in control as I thought. Early research suggesting that autoimmune diseases, such as Multiple Sclerosis, actually increase the risk of mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. You can read about this research here with a more detailed overview here.
Great. So it is taking things away from me and giving me mental health problems back. Thanks MS, another good deal. And before anyone suggests ‘just stay positive!’ – don’t. Just don’t.
Some Perspective
Before I go too dark and too deep let’s not forget. This is early research and it is good it is happening. Conditions like MS also mean stress. I have written about this before, about the dark rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. When you have to plan a trip to town like a military operation it feels bad, disheartening. When you are told to only work three days because you are ill it actually does not feel good even with the extra free days. It is natural to not be happy with these things.
Recently, though, it has felt a little more out of control. The rollercoaster would make its downward plunge in to darkness with no trigger, no cause. A beautiful, sunny day and I was active and still… that downward spiral would happen. This randomness is not constant and there have been definite causes for some such journeys in to darkness, not just my issues but the issues of others. But it is the random dives that I notice and cannot fathom. There are just more of these and I simply don’t understand them. I don’t like them.
How Does it Feel
Everyone has had a moment where they are sad, where it feels like everything is slow and tinged with a hint of gray. Normally it will last some time and then life will chase it away. Now, imagine something like a punch in the stomach followed by feeling so dark that your legs feel like they have been pulled in to the ground and your mind is just spinning and you have more an impression of these moments of total darkness.
Anxiety, though. That is new for me. I remember in 2019, which now seems so long ago. Just wandering around an airport with a hulking bicycle case. Chilled, relaxed. Fast forward now and, before every flight, it feels like the earth is coming out from under me. On the plane I am fine but getting to the plane? No, the world is going to end.
Cause
At this stage it is important to state that I am having psychological help with all of this. The Dutch system has that built in for people like me. It is a slow journey but to actually be discussing the darkness. Also, the research I have mentioned above is early stages. The problems that MS causes lead to psychological issues like depression and anxiety is clear enough. The research suggesting that it is the cause of some of these issues is still quite new even though it is pretty clear there is some relationship.
Whatever, it is there. And important to deal with.
Moving Out of Darkness
The thing is that it is very difficult to actually control this. It is not like I can just ‘cheer up’ and it is gone. Some days it feels like being at the bottom of a dark pit with no way out. No rope. No pathway. Just stuck, festering. Then a light appears and you head toward it. It gets bigger and eventually you come out of the hole but you don’t know how you got out.
That’s when it can be the darkest of rollercoasters. From the lowest pits to sudden highs. From total silence I suddenly cannot keep quiet. Chat-chat-chat-chat. Hysterical enjoyment of everything, overexcitement. Embarrassingly fun and everything in the world is perfect!
Knowing the Darkness is Still There
An important part of dealing with anything is recognising it is there. I do find it easier to write about than talk about. There is time to find the right words and put things in their perspective. It helps, one of the reasons why I still blog even if I am really cr*p at the publicity part of blogging. Writing is fun but publicising myself? Ugh!
Writing this down, though, helps me realise that there is a certain lack of control that I can have. It is also a small point in time, not my permanent reality and there are moments of joy, of fun. I need to enjoy them. Chat-chat-chat-chat.
Still, in the middle of the lightest moments it is sometimes possible to see that point of darkness on the horizon. Nothing will stop it coming closer and overwhelming everything. You just have to hope it doesn’t, not for a while. Keep that brave face up because it is easier than talking about what is on its way.