Writing this on a train between Rotterdam and Mechelen where I will enjoy an evening with friends, one of whom I am flying to Marseilles with. Not normally one to write anything on a train but tomorrow is actually a fairly significant day. The tenth anniversary of that first climb of Mont Ventoux. The first mountain. The nervousness that I felt is gone. Because I have nothing to prove. Nothing at all.
Change of Heart
This came quite suddenly. This morning. Up until then I was actually very nervous. Checking specifications for e-road bike that had been hired. Will it run out of battery? How busy will it be? What parts are hardest on the climb?
I mean, I have done it! Why am I worried?
What is there to prove? Nothing.
Ten Years
In the context, there really is nothing to prove. Ten years on means ten years progression of a progressive neurological condition. That has meant challenges from my own body and others.
Those challenges become more. Not less. It used to be easy for me to just take off, travel. To Stelvio via Milan with a bike case! And huge suitcase! Just drop off and grab coffee for the wait.
That was 2019. Only six years progression. This is 2026. Despite meds, still thirteen years progression. That means… more to think about.
Nothing to Fear
There comes a point, though, where the fear gets constricting. My change came through a strange moment of panic. I was packing and could not find my walking stick. I had been out for dinner the previous weekend. Had I left it in the restaurant?
I really don’t get what happened. Panic. Not a panic attack, too short for that. But shouting at myself. How stupid could I be? Why now? Just before a trip to France? I don’t need it to ride a bike but, you know, walking? Important part of getting around?
I calmed down and realised I had left it in the cycle bags of the bike I had taken to and from the local station. Easier than walking. I just forget.
But what had I been scared of? There was time to buy a replacement if it had been really lost. I would probably hardly use it. Why the fear? Panic?
Nothing to Prove
With a state of mind that can become so frantic over something so trivial, why even think of cycling up a mountain? Get back to the guy lounging around with a cycle case who was just off to Italy and who… was not that worried?
It is impossible to just flick a switch and go back to that mindset. An element of me has now changed completely. There will always be more alertness about what is going on around me. A little more vulnerable.
But I am not going to stop the love of cycling. I will be more careful and I am under no illusions. Even with an e-bike, I may not manage.
But I have nothing to prove. Nothing. The mountain has been climbed before. If I can’t now, what has been lost? Nothing. Precisely nothing.