Making a New Start… Again…

It feels like I write about a new start with this blog quite frequently. Certainly in the last couple of years. This time, though, it feels a little more real, more urgent in a personal sense. The thing is that a lot of that change has been an attempt to escape Multiple Sclerosis. I realise that it is not as simple as that. I cannot escape it. So I need to try to embrace it. Or, rather, embrace the change that is coming with it.

Crossroads

These changes mark a kind of crossroads in life. I am not that old, only forty-nine. Yet the physical change is enough that I need support for walking and can have difficulty coordinating my right hand. There is the possibility that Ocrevus will slow lesion growth, perhaps giving a base to build on alongside new approaches with my physio. But I am not getting better.

The physical issues are clear enough. There are also cognitive changes. Concentration and memory problems can be apparent and everything just feels like it takes longer and is more effort. Speech can be messy, though it is also not often that bad. The list can go on but it is long enough. It feels like I have reached the point, that crossroads if you will, where MS starts to move from being an obstacle to actually defining what my life is.

If I let it.

Embracing the New Start

The last month has been difficult with the realisation, after lots of appointments and talking, that this change is coming. Something I knew but perhaps have been in denial about. My response was to go inside myself a little. Looked longingly toward the past, wishing I had climbed more mountains on the bike or hiked more through the middle of nowhere. Moody. Confused. Been pretty difficult to be around…

This can’t continue. If I allow it to then there will just be a dark space around me. It is time to change the dialogue, explore what is possible. I was talking about embracing, right? Well, try to! Perhaps new things.

Change of Resistance

So it is time to really change the dialogue, make it positive. Accept that it won’t always be because life is not linear. It is important to try, though. Resistance has, for a long time, been riding up a mountain on a racing bike. I can still ride and enjoy it. But the longer rides and mountains? Well, I have to let those go, a little prematurely. Such adventures are still possible by E-Bike and I will revel in them with friends. I may even give a go on a regular road bike just to see how it feels.

That resistance will have to change a little. It will be attempting to strum ‘Digital’ by Joy Division on the bass guitar and often failing because my coordination is challenging. Maybe learning to do something else creative with my hands? It is reading books to improve my concentration. Discovering recipes to cook. Rediscover the thrill of museums. Drowning in music. Exploring the limits of my walking aids. Writing about some of it in this blog.

The New Start

First, though, there will be a bit of pause, just redesign the blog and write some new introductory notes. ‘Ways of Escape’ may be a nice idea for is a new section? Cycling will no longer have its own section though I still love it. The adventures will be quieter, a great part of my life and not what I build around. I will be trying as many new things as possible and will write about them here. Perhaps not always placing new posts on Facebook or Instagram whilst I find my voice. Mess around a little. I don’t only write on this blog but this is a fun way to share my words.

In the end, everyone has a way to express themselves. It is different for all. This is my way. I have enjoyed it in an active past and, as life changes, will look forward to writing about it here.