When I took this blog too seriously, a long time ago with thoughts of using it as a gateway to a career in wine and food (honestly!), I used to read blogs about blogging. I think I had too much time on my hands, perhaps? One thing these blogs on blogging talked about a lot was not mentioning it if you have not produced anything for some time. So if I am to be a serious blogger I should not mention that it is a year since I have written anything. Problem is I am too lazy to be a serious blogger. A lazy blogger. Still, even lazy bloggers need to move forward. A short look back first.
(Not Such) A Quiet Time
For a year when I had little to say a lot actually happened, the sort of things I would normally write about. Good and Bad. The good is the nicest to talk about so let’s start there. Two mountains conquered by bike! Well, conquered is an exageration, perhaps. Crawled up would perhaps be better description. With lots of stops. Big ones, Col du Tourmalet (a target for 2020, a bit late) and Col du Soulor, the culminations of a weekend in the Pyrenees. Made possible as travel is back on the agenda. Alongside the Pyrenees there have been trips to Portugal, France and the UK. I have become a Dutch National as well. Work is fulfilling, exciting. Concerts are back on the agenda!
I did also abort a mountain for the first time. But I can’t be bothered to write about that. In any case, lots has been going on! Lots of great stuff. So why have I been too lazy to write about it?
Human nature, perhaps?
During COVID, it did not feel like there was much to write about. Cycling goals were postponed, planned trips put on hold. The same for so many. Shopping online was illuminating but is it really something to write about? Indoor training with the bike has been good for my condition but it does not have magic of the conquest of a real mountain. There’s no milage in a post about sitting in a garage.
When things reopened, that lazy habit stayed on a bit. Perhaps I was also too busy enjoying experiences to write about them. That’s a nice thought.
I was also guilty of something. Amongst all of the good things, there were also negatives, the Dark Clouds. And I allowed them to overpower the bright lights.
Those Dark Clouds…..
A blog, in my view, needs to be personal. Otherwise it has no value for the writer. When I was making my somewhat useless attempt at being a serious blogger, I found it difficult to keep a ‘professional’ tone. A wine tasted nice. I could not write like it was some sort conciousness expanding experience to taste a wine or part of some sort of cellestial journey in search of sensation. It was something nice. I just could not do the bullsh*t.
Instead, I have always written a lot about what is important to me. Personal blog and all that. It helps me keep things in perspective and, on a practical level, gives me some ‘mental exercise’ as I like to call it. The problem was that, after the passiveness of COVID, some Dark Clouds came alongside the bright lights that I mentioned.
Again, and like the bright lights, I won’t go in to too much detail. The post would become impossibly long. Suffice to say, MS did its thing and progressed. This led to a change of duties at work and also a noticeable reduction in my ability to walk. Among other things. The annoying thing about MS, there are always other things. It felt like too much.
And I did not want to write about it. Perhaps lazy is not the right word. The impact of MS led to enforced changes. I did not want to work less. It all felt like defeat. A loss of control. A reduction in self-worth. The consequence of reflecting too much on what has declined rather than remembering what is still possible.
Whatever the reasons it was difficult to write about. So I didn’t.
The Return of the Lazy Blogger
So then why restart the blog?
Well, I think it is just a small way to start to fight back. Change is not always good. But it is there and it is to deal with. A small part of that is picking up the blog again. The blog with no real mission, no targets, by the blogger who never tells anyone about it. No change there, business as usual. There will be cycling and the usual complete lack of technical knowledge. Perhaps less targets? I will decide.
MS will be a part as well, as it has been since the first diagnosis. Progression is there. But in the 9 years since diagnosis, the relationship has changed. The impacts will grow and they will be different in nature. I like to think that MS is less dominant in my life. That I am getting used to it. If that is possible…..
Not sure it is.
But I will still talk about it. Something with this sort of impact on me is difficult to ignore.
In the end, this is a personal blog. It will reflect me. Everyone needs a creative outlet. There is also the ‘mental exercise’ element. My body gets cycling, although that helps the mind as well. My neurologist thinks so and he does know what he is talking about! This blog is a compliment, a little weight lifting for the mind.
Little will actually change, although I keep meaning to write about music, something else that ‘feeds my mind’. The same formula of random wandering. A stream of consciousness for someone with no sense of direction, as friend once spirit. A good spirit to restart the blog with. No sense of direction but, hopefully, moving carefully forward.
Actually, that’s not a bad mission for now. Even for a lazy blogger.