Falling Down
It is hard work to be positive all the time no matter how much you want to be. Sometimes things just go wrong and, no matter what, you can feel a little down. Take those unpredictable moments when Multiple Sclerosis decides to give you a nudge, trip you up. Lots of small issues build up and that can make you feel like you have have been slowly falling down for years. Still, it is important to keep going and do as much as possible.
Coffee
One of the nicer, easier rituals for me has always been a morning coffee in bed. I like to get up, head downstairs and make (or rather, switch the machine on and get it to make) coffee. Then I take two cups upstairs. One for me and one for my wife. A nice, easy start to the day. Simple.
Simple until MS sticks its ugly nose in. The odd stumble or need recompose myself when my kegs are feeling weak is not unusual. One morning last week, though, my legs finally just went. It was always going to happen at some point and has happened before. Still it’s no fun. Especially with two cups of coffee in my hands which then went all over the stairs. A mess. A fantastic start to the day. Perhaps I could have corrected my balance? The moment it happened is still clear in my mind. It felt like everything was happening in slow motion and I could almost see the individual droplets of coffee splattering on to the wooden stairs….
Anyone can trip over with coffee in their hands of course. Anyone. Nothing exceptional about that rather unimportant event. But for me this was a sign of something more sinister. Symptomatic of the illness starting to mess me up. Without MS, my legs would have stayed strong, stable. MS messes even the smallest, nicest acts up completely.
The spectre of MS was stood at my shoulder and, for a brief few minutes, no excuses, I fell apart.
Perfect Storm
My wife helped me as she always does. Through the challenges, physical and mental. She came downstairs to a blubbering wreck who was doing nothing of any value and so she first of all calmed me down, gave me the support that I needed. Then she started to clean up without complaint whilst my task was to just take the cups and refill them. Sure, I can do that. Quite upset, tearful. But I can do that. Calm me down. We both needed a coffee, preferably in the cup this time.
So I switched the coffee machine back on and put the radio on in the background. On came a familiar tune albeit one that I had not heard for good while. ‘Paris’ by Friendly Fires. One of the songs I listened to when I got diagnosed, on a playlist that I still have. Cheers me up, that’s why it was there. For some reason Paris always means joyful escape to me.
A happy tune but one that triggered a wave of memories and emotions in my already harassed mind. Now it was not just case of falling down with coffee in my hands. No, it was everything! A reminder of those eleven years of slowly falling slowly down. Everything had gotten worse. My senses, my strength, my mind. Everything. I went in to some sort of meltdown. That blubbering I mentioned became an uncontrollable torrent. Because everything is hopeless! No-one understands! Why was I so optimistic last time? What is wrong with me? What is this wretched disease doing? Yes I know I said it will be fine to either have no progression of lesions or get Ocrevus to stem progression but…. dammit….. I JUST WANT TO BE BETTER!
Which is not going to happen….
Standing Up
For a few minutes my mind was full of toxic, selfish thoughts. Self-centred. Make me better. But it was not going to help. Slowly, mentally, I stood up. Train to take to the office. My walking is still good enough to get me to the train station. Pretty unimportant but so is coffee. Off I went.
The rest of that day passed by. Actually, it ended very well. Some drinks with friends. Perhaps I got a little more drunk than planned. But, you know what? It was nice. The smile was back. Nice to talk to other people. And this time good to sound drunk because I was drunk!
Still, what happened has stayed in my mind. My legs had suddenly gone. Was it a taste of things to come? Would I be on my own more because I could simply do less? For those brief few minutes, it all crowded in to my mind. First an end to coffee in bed. Then an end to…. a lot of nice things. Toxic selfishness but also human.
There are always ways forward. We could always buy a Nespresso machine and put it by the bed, right? Always a solution, somewhere. We will find it. In the meantime, let’s see what the scan results bring…
One Comment
Val
Wishing you lots of strength . Your wife sounds amazing